Hey man, being your bartender and having to witness the sad performance I see you display week after week, I feel like I need to apologize for enabling you to do so. We all know this started about a year and a half ago when you got a ‘bad wrap’ from the My New Haircut viral video
As the first to apologize, let me be the first to tell you not to get too down on yourself, it is not your fault. It’s a little known fact, but douche-baggery is a classic example of nature dictating personality in the debate of Nature vs. Nurture. Its scientifically proven that the douche bag tendencies are embedded in your DNA. You’re born a douche bag, you’ll die a douche bag. Look at _____(update later... Steven Sagal? Joe Francis?), for example.
There’s a few things you’ll need to truly understand so you don’t get too down on yourself. It’s not your fault you have equal parts blood, Red Bull, and Axe body spray running through your arteries. In addition, its instinct and not social training to why you feel the animalistic necessity to greet anyone you’ve ever met, friend or foe, boss or potential step-father, whoever, via formal fist bump (i.e. dubz, dapz, poundz, whichever sad nickname pluralized by the letter Z.)
I was not sure if anyone covered this part already, so I’ll reiterate because I’m worried about you. It’s so important that you know it’s not your fault you can’t get a job now just because ‘they’ say it wasn’t from ‘an accredited university.’ You showed me the degree you printed after you passed your last online test. I’ve SEEN it hanging in the Bro Zone, framed in the backside of the garage, just left of the foos ball table. Granted, you majored in physical education and canine psychology, but it’s still a degree! Shit, you printed me one for my birthday.
Granted we’re not arguing any of the smart, long term investments you made to increase your ‘awesomeness’… we all think the 8” plasma screen you have spewing from your console (which is *necessary* to display the latest Black Eyed Peas video as it blares entirely too loud from the speakers), the borderline-pimp-esque-but-just-a-scootch-too-small 17 ½ in. rims, and the oh-so-clever brass Truck Nutz you have hanging from the rear bumper of the 2005 Ford Explorer you’re leasing is all ‘wicked killer’ too, but there’s something we should have told you earlier. This one is our bad…
Well, you remember that ‘crazy, psycho, bitch’ you knocked up a year ago after feeding her chocolate martinis and Washington Apples all night at Hyde Park Café? Well apparently that shithead kid eats like three times a day, and still shits his pants, so unfortunately you may need to start catching up on some of the child support payments. I know man, bullshit.
Listen, I hope you’re starting to feel a little better. Like I said, I’m really sorry for the bad wrap you got from one silly viral video. That video portrays you as so one sided. I personally know there SO much more douche bag there than you get credit for.
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This post seems way to specific. When I first started reading I was thinking that it has to be generalized. The more details you added made it seem more and more like you were writing about someone you know. I kind of feel bad for you if that's the case; having to be exposed to someone like that regularly.
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